This is a big one for me. As most of you know I have many issues with the relationship with my mother. I’m not blameless in how our relationship turned out but I feel like my mother gave up on me and having a relationship with me the last few years of her life. And the fact that she decided to leave me out of her will feels like she was sending the message that I wasn’t a good enough daughter. It’s extremely hurtful that this was what she wanted my last memory of her to be. I have been pretty bitter and resentful to these facts. So much so that I wouldn’t even consider forgiving her. But I’ve decided it’s in my best interest to try. I’m not saying I have. But the attempt is progress for me.
We all like to think our parents do their best and have well meaning intentions for us. A lot of times that is the cause and that is wonderful. Even the best intentioned and well-meaning parents in the world will sometimes make mistakes and we have to be understanding. Everyone has moments when a temper gets the best of them or they are having a bad day. These are things that should be easy to forgive. But sometimes, there are people who don’t have the best interest of their children in mind as they live their life. And that can be extremely damaging to you.
We don’t get to choose our parents. We have no control over when, where or to whom we are born. As it goes with everything you can’t control, what you can control is your reaction to it. You can choose to keep your parents in your life despite the fact it may be toxic for you or you can decide the best course of action is to cut ties and move on. Both decisions are extremely difficult.
When it came to my relationship with my mother, I never wanted to cut ties. There is a biological desire to have a connection with your parents. As much as I wanted our relationship to be different, I didn’t NOT want to have one at all. Mostly, because I was scared of how it would make me feel to know that my mother would let me cut ties. Now, that I know my mother would try to punish me after her death it makes me want to say I should have cut ties but I know I would have never been comfortable with that. So, I have to be content that I did all that I could have to be in my mother’s life in some way.
Do you feel like you got the shaft when it comes to your parents? Does it bother you every time you see people proclaiming their unwavering love for them on Facebook? It can be sad to see watch people bend over backwards for their kids and feel envious over it. Hopefully, you can break the cycle with your own children. I know my sister did and I’m super proud of her for it. As much as we have hassled her for spoiling her kids they are turning into amazing, productive, well adjusted adults. And her daughters have so much love for her and all she has done for them.
But I get the envy. I still get a pang when I hear people going on and on about how much their parents did for them. How they still always have their back. How I wish that would have been the case for me. But to forgive is to see yourself free. You aren’t saying what happened to you is okay. It’s saying you are going to be okay in spite of what happened. Despite your upbringing. Despite the fact that your parents may be more interested in what they want than in what you want. Whether they are still alive or have passed on. Make peace. If you still want to be in your parent’s lives, then set your own boundaries and know how much you are willing to put up with. But I urge you to not spend too much time with people who make you feel bad about yourself, in any way, shape or form.
This is your one life and you need to take care of yourself first. That means you have to free yourself from the chains of this resentment. You must at least start the process of forgiving. You need to feel all the feelings of disappointment, anger and hurt…then let it go. Because the last thing you want is for the bad relationship with your parents to ruin your life. And it will if you can’t trust in the goodness of other people. If you can’t walk into a room and know you belong there then you are still letting them affect you. I don’t want that for you. I want you to know you deserve everything your heart desires and no one, I mean no one, should ever make you feel differently. Even the person who gave you life.
I know this one is a tall order. I know it can take some time. I know there are a lot of feelings to hash out. It’s okay. Take your time but do the work. Feel it and release. It’s the only way to true happiness. Let’s keep each other posted on our progress. I believe in you. It is “I wish it were cocktail Friday” Thursday! Now, go make it your best day yet!
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